eScotFree Now and Then

9/8/88
Already 10 at night. Hard to believe I’ve yet had an opportunity to write. It’s all the homework. All of my time is spent on this; although I feel like I’m learning a great deal. I have little else to live for except the knowledge and to attempt to truly feel this knowledge, to get to the depth of the emotions; however, not to blame anyone or even to overtly consider something [black and white] good or bad. I wish to understand and allow the flow of feelings.

A mind with hope, always on the border of another thought and feeling. I wish to blame none or go off on tangents because I see a pretty woman and think I like her, et cetera, on and on to what causes the world its pain or its bordem or its dire need to be somewhere at some time. I’ve gone through many emotions and used a notebook as the friend to write out all my complaints. Now I would like the notebooks for a different type of “friend,” one that listens to ideas and offers a space to fully reflect, a chance to honestly express.

The world is as it is. Even in the Bible there are many incidences which are not always simple to “judge.” Life always seems full complications. A Father takes his daughter-in-law as a prostitute. …

[This was Judah in Genesis 38:16. This offspring was said to be a direct descendent of Jesus according to the Gospel of Matthew. Of course some Christians believe that God, through the Holy Ghost impregnated Mary, the Mother of Jesus.]

Were there plenty of prostitutes around back then? Now look at today, so many girls and boys dress up and try to look attractive. Even I have had concerns to look good, at least to the point where I don’t have to be self conscious. Yet, the need, the time and energy spent to look good! We are potentially insignificant, yet this game goes on and on. Egos and personalities look tangents of power, and the possibility of love. It is life and must be confirmed, in the fact that it is life and this is where we are spending our time. Love is really out there, yet will be directed for the purpose of becoming whole.

Religion can be as the “name” of love. Look at those many Christians where the worship of the Virgin Mary provides love. Yes, she can be the Mother, yet also a symbolic wife where the man works on purifying himself to potentially take a wife – maybe a Christ figure serves as the focus of love. Love, those feelings, how beautiful those feelings, what a great reason for a “first cause.”

I sat and looked at photographs from the India Tantric temple in Khajuraho. My spine and skin shivered. I felt love from looking at the sculptures. They felt real, at least inside and all the times in Egypt when I feel love for Isis, taking her symbolically as my wife, or how I would suckle the milk from her breasts as she is represented as Hathor.

Feelings. I would like to elevate and throw out the frustration of those who require the vanity of experience that surrounds “tangents” of love. I wish to LOVE, to feel this.

For Our Light, Scot Aaron
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