Frustration and Realizations in Northern Thailand (19 Then)
Here I will share my journal from 21 years ago when age 19 backpacking in Northern Thailand.
8/29/85 8:00PM
Well I wanted to start this notebook off with a nice poem, but I have not been inspired to do so. It is time to begin writing again. I am currently in Chiang Saen, not the most interesting town, but good enough for tonight. I thought that the Golden Triangle would be the place to begin this notebook and also for a few days stay; but, it seems that I am not able to learn my lessons as this point. I need to learn to not have any expectations and to just go with the “flow” of events. I realize this point again and again; although too often after the disappointment. For now I must say, ‘Damn, Fuck, or Shit’ and continue existing in a ‘pissed off’ state. What I am referring to is this so-called “Golden Triangle” experience. After paying 60 Baht for a motorcycle ride through mud, I had to walk without my shoes through 200 meters of knee deep mud; then I end up at another “tourist trap,” a small room with an over-priced menu and plenty of mud everywhere.
I did enjoy the walk and now that I think back over the amazingly brief adventure, I realize I create my own problems and discomforts.
Before I even progressed to Northern Thailand and Chiang Mai, an inner feeling told me to make my stay brief and hurry up to reach North-Eastern Thailand where there are few tourists or travelers. I just hope and pray that I am not too late. Too late for what I do not exactly know – I just think like I should get there as quickly as possible.
All in all my stay in Northern Thailand has been a waste of time. This is because I feel like I’m caught in a tourist flow of energy. I have seen little and spent a lot of time planning adventures that I never got to accomplish. It seems the most beneficial portion of my experiences in Northern Thailand had been at Karen’s Coffee Shop; although at the time I felt the food was lousy and everything hadn’t met up to my “expectations.” Now I realize a sense of accomplishment – at least to the degree that I tried to experience everything possible. Well, maybe there will be only a few more pages for Northern Thailand and these experiences will be over.
Okay I will try to resist any “expectations” concerning my adventure in North-East Thailand. I will use the general method of planning to see the area and then try to go with the flow. Actually, I would like to hitchhike from place to place and really get to know the people and also more of the language. I realize hitching a ride will at first produce embarrassed feelings of inadequacy and maybe even shame, but after these absurd feelings pass, I should be able to enjoy the company of fellow Thais. Also, I can save money on the free transportation. I realize that I could be dropped off in the middle of nowhere after dark and with no place to sleep. I plan on again taking it as it comes and testing my ability to survive in the “wild.” As long as I have a supply of mosquito repellent everything should be okay. A little joke. No, but as long as some “being” or something continues to watch over me, all should be okay. May this is a statement only the birds know. It sounds irrational but I believe I’ve been protected in various occasions.
Although I am getting ready to eat dinner, I would like to jot a few words on a dream from last night. I only remember parts. Basically I was traveling in a vast cave that had just recently been opened to the public. This cave was to be a large number of separate caves which had been connected by humans. Now, I was getting on an elevator to proceed underground and I met a girl who seemed quite attractive. I don’t exactly know how it began, but I had my arms around her as we were progressing down to the caves. I remember honestly sharing my feelings, something unusual for myself since I am typically shy around girls. I said, “I think you are getting me a bit horny!”
This girl in the dream was not your perfect “model,” which were seemingly created in many of my dreams, but she was beautiful with long blonde hair and a fairly nice body. As first I was not attracted to her, but as she showed her personality, I realized her beauty was both inside and outside.
I guess she was a bit hungry, so she pressed a “restaurant” button in the elevator. Suddenly we soared sideways at an amazing speed and ended up at a restaurant. …
I will briefly review the dream. The “restaurant” was actually two separate realities in the same space, as if restaurants with two different menus. One family, dressed in T-shirts and sneakers, comes in and gets a coffee shop menu. Then a couple enters with formal dress, given a separate menu. I was sitting with the girl outside the restaurant, as if in a family kitchen. She doesn’t care, just starts eating the meal.
A French waiter in a Tuxedo comes up to me. I speak my few words of French, amounting to that I do not speak much French. I do not even understand what he is saying, except there is a place selling flowers outside and I should buy the girl a flower. Once realizing the expense of these flowers, I take one. Recognizing it was a dream I tought I could take the two roses and not get in trouble. Then I saw a most beautiful red rose, grabbed it, and needed some ferns so it looks like I bought it.
I continue saying that I don’t really know what this dream means, except that maybe I should spend money on a girl if I meet one. Then I start worrying about spending too much money as a budget traveler and that hopefully I could last me until Christmas.
Surprisingly a female sits at the other end of the table. I distract myself, continuing in my notebook with how much I love writing, and what a good release of emotions. At this point I recognize how I do not have to confront my shyness of talking with this pretty girl. I basically eat, have some small talk with the girl and get back to writing. I will continue with the poem and last page of that day, precisely 21 years ago.]
“The Steps of a Man”
The steps of humanity
Seem to pass us by
As if another dying day,
But as a man lifts this veil
He knows he can prevail
By remembering each step before
For life can be an open door
Even as an eagle knows to soar
To reach some new heights
And release a mighty roar.
For all above who have sat
Recognizing directions on a map
Must accept an added shove
Where he can take a step above
And effectively show his love.It is a little funny that I’m sitting next a female Thai traveler from Chiang Mai. She is quite attractive and I think I like her, but how would I ask her to spend the night with me. In fact, she is sleeping in the room just next door to me, but yet the hop into my room would be too great a venture to consider. I am too shy. I guess this is why I am writing about it at this moment, to release any frustration from not doing as my instincts guide me.
Yes instincts, maybe sexual hormones, definitely different from my conscious rationale. So here she sits and I don’t know how to approach her. Well, I will just write it all down to alleviate my frustrations of sharing what I feel. She is very friendly and says she has a boyfriend from America who was traveling in Thailand, but is now in China. Quite a resemblance to our situation right here, I should say. Well enough is enough. I should quit fantasizing about reality and just keep the fantasies to my dreams.