Resolving Positives and Negatives Inside the Self (Then, 1988)
This is from my daily notebook. Leaving the hospital early to get back to school in Boulder Colorado.
8/31/88 2:30pm
While waiting at the Chicago Airport, I should be able to think of plenty of lofty thoughts, but instead I choose to write about my anger. This is not at any particular person but at myself. I must learn from my errors, especially errors of thought. I “thought” I could get over some of the financial money problems, likely inherited (at least culturally) form my Mother’s side, but instead I find the worries mixed in with desires. This brings conflict.
In a way I wish to complain about my heritage. Funny, because earlier I was talking to my Father and telling him how lucky I am to have great “genes.” Why should I complain? I must overcome these “distractions” and integrate my “higher” self …
5:30pm
I’m extremely sorry to have reported complaints on the prior page. Actually, I am extremely and everlasting grateful. How can I even begin to stress anger focused towards my genetic makeup? Seems like a disastrous way to start this notebook in Chicago. I hope to progress in optimistically. Let me consider methods to tame and if necessary calm my anger, even if some of this extreme disturbance stems from healing the concussion in my frontal lobe.Well, I’m satisfied to announce that I finished reading “Life After Life” and have learnt a great deal in the short time. This helped me with theories, especially concepts of personality and abstractions. “Seeing the light,” relates to the Sun as if it has personality, on a comprehensible scale. We can see the Sun, imagine the Sun and know it’s somehow appreciated and loved by all living creatures; however, we have deeper degrees of “being” to consider. The book barely discussed beyond the “soul.”
I could almost say that my serious studies of world religions is taking the long road to meditation, whereby I can formulate the best image/s possible to connect with the power that transcends language [or the current available paths]. I have plenty of notes and love to study to learn more. I am waiting to learn more about Tibetan Buddhism and hope to internally integrate this wisdom. Maybe I’m a dreamer, yet I know I have much more to learn to dream more effectively. Obviously the core process deals with LOVE. I do not joke with this. Caring, loving and having compassion for more than the self, actually connects everything to the self. [Yet this needs to be authentic.] One individual can establish an example for many. Let me utilize my visualizations for the most advantageous purposes.
Case in point, as I fly over a city, I can look and mentally conceive of the city and its “spirit.” I picture the religious leaders, students, individuals experimenting on drugs, especially “mind-expanding” drugs, artists, and many connected together within their city. Here I connect with and feel the “spirit.” With this, I then feel love in my heart, especially for all of the good intensions and efforts. I feel and give through the heart, as if connecting one heartbeat to another to another to another. This is like a meditation from an unconscious sense until expanding and connecting all of it through the power of light that provides growth. This continues, as if being lead back into the Sun for the climax. I love to think more and more about the Earth and all experiences on this Earth. With these thoughts I can agree with and highly support realizing perfections. Earth is perfect.
On the way over I did have an opportunity to sit next to a mother and child. I could sense moments where life seems perfect in the reality of the family. What a great method to seriously teach of love, love extending beyond the self to one’s own “flesh and blood.” I can say this from experience, and probably more so when I’m able to create a child, of how a man and woman combine to make one. One is formed from being one, so on and so forth.
The Earth is so beautiful and is a perfect place to develop, to “evolve.” As the saying goes, like Father, like Son. The world evolves. Now, what are we learning. Stars are created. I don’t wish to go overboard, but everywhere we look is a miracle in progress. Although I look around and may complain of the extreme materiality of our current [Western] existence, we have ample opportunity for growth, for realizations.
Integrate and witness history, not as a past, but as the “self.” Watch and observe current reality as expansive realizations of the self. Our connections connect to many more people and objects. Conscious realizations seem to recreate the world, again and again. Some say the Earth takes billions or even trillions of years, but no effort is wasted. It is all precious. Think, at least spiritually, how the Sun absorbs all the planets [as if through gravitational connections]. How beautiful. We are one again. I can barely consider how this would feel. Certainly not as “thought,” but yes a Being.
I will not speculate more than this, i.e. beyond the zone of affirmation. I will pronouce “love” and say thank you WORLD, LIFE, EVERYONE. THANK YOU – tears and laughter are yours. Feel all as one in the lake of existence, as if back to the original, spiritual waters were all is born.
Well, I will consider reality and progress for the self, for an integrated self, for what else does life matter. Each night before sleep, I will go over the day and sincerely seek to connect to the sorrow so I can add love. Let me understand and transform negative emotions, especially if any anger is expressed. From here I’ll consider the world in the solar system and attempt to share heartbeats able to transform negatives in positives. From outside to inside, let me feel the shivers throughout my spine. Please. Thanks will be renewed and extended for further INTEGRATION.
For Our Light, Scot Aaron
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